It’s Not All Mary Poppins

Duct Tape, Use # 253

The phone rings.

“I thought I’d give you the heads up on a new behaviour Darcy’s developed over the last couple of weeks,” his mother tells me, “and I didn’t want him overhearing the conversation. He’s been having his bowel movement during afternoon nap, and then he’s trying to take care of matters himself. He’s making the most disgusting messes everywhere, and his dad is ready to slaughter him. We just thought you’d better be forewarned.”

My words of wisdom are two.

“Duct tape,” I pronounce.

“Really?!” The relief in her voice is palpable. “I dreamt about that only last night, and woke up thinking, ‘I can’t really do that, can I?'”

One of my nicer roles: giving parents permission to do what they want to do. In this case, what they’ve dreamed of doing!

September 5, 2005 - Posted by | Uncategorized


  1. So I’ll be the first to ask…..duct tape?? (or as we English call it ‘Duck Tape’!)

    Darcy has a long way to go before he is on a par with a child way back in my past – who did it, smeared it and ate it :-S

    Ah – sweet memories [shudders]


    Comment by craziequeen | September 5, 2005 | Reply

  2. CQ, duct tape is the correct term for it. It was originally used in the HVAC industry, and still is. “Duck” came from good old miscommunication. You can now find tape in the stores marked “Duck tape,” which I believe is the manufacturer’s name.

    Mary, you’re talking about using it on diaper tabs, right? Makes an awful mess if it touches baby’s skin, but I’d say feces paint is MUCH worse a predicament.

    Comment by ieatcrayonz | September 5, 2005 | Reply

  3. Ah, but think of the lost memories and material for his 21st birthday! My best story about my younger brother involves poo… πŸ˜€

    Comment by Kat O+ | September 5, 2005 | Reply

  4. Well, I’d heard duct tape was good for everything… You think McGuyver ever tried this one??

    Comment by Cheryl | September 5, 2005 | Reply

  5. Also known as Gaffer Tape, but more usually as Duck Tape, as you say Ieatcrayonz because it is sold under that brand name in the UK.

    Comment by Aginoth | September 6, 2005 | Reply

  6. CQ: “Ate it”. That tops my worst story, ever. Oh! NO, no, it doesn’t! I once cared for a child who got into the cat litter. And carried it around in their mouth for a couple of minutes before I realized. Now I’m the one shuddering through a flash-back. Bleah…

    Crayonz: “HVAC”? Yes, on the tabs. This child is three, so the diaper’s big. For a smaller child, you might need to tear it width-wise, to make it narrower. On the tabs at first, and if he manages to tear that off, right round the waist of the diaper as a belt.

    Kat: Too bad I can’t remember any of this stuff about my brother! He did once swallow chlorine bleach and lived to tell the tale. Shoved raisins up his nose. Just normal stuff.

    Cheryl: McGuyver? I’m torn. Half of me says “The man obviously had no children, the way he risked his life weekly, and was off gallivanting all the time”, yet the other half says “But where do you think he learned to be so ingenious, if not on his kids??”

    Aginoth: Duct tape and gaffer tape, though both cloth-based tapes, are different animals. Gaffer tape is used primarily for taping down electrical wires (like on a theatre set); duct is used, unsurprisingly, for ducts. The other thing? Duct tape is much, much stickier. Whereas gaffer tape lifts up readily at the end of the day and leaves no residue, duct tape NEVER comes off. When it’s stuck, it’s stuck! Hence its usefulness in this situation. His parents will have to cut him out of his diapers…

    Comment by Mary P. | September 6, 2005 | Reply

  7. Crayonz!!! I was in compete agreement with you on the “duck” vs “duct” tape thing. But look what I found on the Duct Tape site!

    Oh, and it further seems that the duct-and-diaper idea was not original to me. Too bad! (And don’t ask me why those lunatic people are attempting to diaper their babies with their eye duct-taped shut. It’s all very silly.)

    Comment by Mary P. | September 6, 2005 | Reply

  8. aginoth: Here’s the distinction – and from a countryman of yours! And now I really should get on with my day.

    Comment by Mary P. | September 6, 2005 | Reply

  9. Ooh. This one’s the best yet. And NOW I’m shutting this thing right off, so I stay away…

    Comment by Mary P. | September 6, 2005 | Reply

  10. Won’t it hurt the little tykes bum when you pull the tape off?

    Also, can I now ask permission to beat my kids with a piece of 2×4 with 6″ nails in it πŸ™‚

    Just kidding (both accounts).

    Comment by Si | September 6, 2005 | Reply

  11. No, no, that wasn’t a dream, it was a nightmare. You don’t really want to do that. Really, you don’t.

    Comment by Mary P. | September 6, 2005 | Reply

  12. πŸ™‚

    Comment by Si | September 6, 2005 | Reply

  13. […] I’ve never done it. Even though you know I am a fan of the stuff. But thought about it? Oh, […]

    Pingback by And I’ll bet you have, too « It’s Not All Mary Poppins | August 28, 2008 | Reply

  14. […] But I have the solution to the shit-on-the-sheets problem. To the Poppy-Houdini problem. I’ve used it before, in fact. (Though not, I promise, like […]

    Pingback by Poppy and the Poo « It’s Not All Mary Poppins | March 9, 2012 | Reply

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