It’s Not All Mary Poppins

Christmas Gift Idea for Mary

“Here we go, little boy, one more mouthful.”

Nigel, who had till this moment been greeting each spoonful with impatience and glee, suddenly makes a little “gu-huck” noise in his throat. I know what this means, I do, but there’s no time to react. Just one little “gu-huck”, and then his high chair tray is suddenly filled with his lunch, a glistening and blurred recap of the food he’d so cheerfully ingested only moments before. My hand, hovering close to his dimpled chin, is similarly bedecked. Glistening strands, decorative in shades of green and tan, are suspended betwixt hand and tray. Clean the boy, clean the tray.

Wash my hands. Moisturize.

Step in a puddle. Wipe it up with a paper towel.

Wash my hands, because you just never know. Moisturize.

Arthur is crying. He has a bloody nose. This happens with Arthur, we know the drill: Firm pressure on the bridge of his nose for five minutes. The bridge of his red-and-yellow speckled, blood-and-mucous bedecked nose. The bridge in the middle of his snot-covered, tear-streaked face. For five minutes I sit with him, finger and thumb clamped firmly onto the bump that is the source and centre of a swirl of bodily fluids. Assure us both that the dripping has stopped. Clean him up.

Wash my hands. Moisturize.

Lift Darcy from the cot after his nap and discover the source of the puddle. The boy is soaked from the navel down. Peel of his clothes, strip the sheet off the cot, throw it all in the washer downstairs. Disinfect the cot.

Wash my hands. Moisturize.

One of the boys comes to me, holds out two blocks, one in each hand. “These blocks are wet!” We put them in the sink, rinse them off. I don’t make the connection.

Wash my hands. Moisturize.

Decide to tidy the rest of the kitchen floor. Lift Darcy’s cot. Discover a couple more “wet” blocks under there. Disinfect the blocks.

Wash my hands. Moisturize.

Baby Alice is in her highchair, fretful. “What’s up, little girl?” I say as I lift her. What’s up is baby Alice. She’s been sitting in something that’s been rotting for weeks. That has to be it. Couldn’t be a mere diaper producing that eye-watering stench, could it?

Oooh, my yes. Brownish green goo runs from sweet little cheeks to mid-thigh, and reaches as high as a darling little bellybutton. Forty-seven baby wipes and a change of clothing later, she’s back to her sweet self.

Wash my hands. Moisturize.

Is there any bodily fluid I haven’t encountered this noisome day? — Don’t answer that! — But if anyone is thinking of Christmas gifts, the economy-size jug of a lightly scented, heavy duty moisturizer would be much appreciated. Either that or shares in Proctor and Gamble.

Thanks, and Merry Christmas!!

December 15, 2005 - Posted by | Christmas, eeewww


  1. i totally getcha on this one. i wash my hands more times a day-they get so dry so i slop on moisturizer after every patient. vicious cycle.

    Comment by kimmyk | December 15, 2005 | Reply

  2. Good Lord. Merry Christmas to you and yours as well from all of us.

    Comment by Granny | December 16, 2005 | Reply

  3. Ewwwwww

    That was a lot of moisturiser use as well…have you tried Doublebase?

    Comment by Aginoth | December 16, 2005 | Reply

  4. Damn, I don’t moisturise! My hands will look like a crone’s by the time I get rid of all the kids:-)

    I find the shower very usefull for those extreme vomiting/poo-ing incidents:-)

    And a bath/sink full of bleach for toy disinfecting.

    Comment by Mrs.Aginoth | December 16, 2005 | Reply

  5. We must have some sort of deep spriritual conection Mary. I was empathetic, sympathetic and laughing my ass off at the same time.

    What moisturizer do you prefer?

    Comment by Heather | December 16, 2005 | Reply

  6. Wow Mary! And I thought I had to buy stock in Aveeno moisturizing lotion with my two!

    I have even more respect for my son’s prior childcare provider after reading this post. And I already worshipped that woman.

    Comment by Andie D. | December 16, 2005 | Reply

  7. Udder Balm is great, as is Eucerin.

    Yuck, yuck, yuck. Yet even more reasons why I am DONE with babies!

    Comment by misfit | December 16, 2005 | Reply

  8. Sounds like an average day from back during my radiography training days. Of course, there we students had to clean up the mess. And it was pretty much all adult sized messes. Ahh that was the life.

    Comment by Simon P. Chappell | December 16, 2005 | Reply

  9. kimmyk: All day long. Ten years ago, I didn’t much bother with the cream. The older I get, the more I feel the dryness. Aging, I tell ya…

    Granny: I’ll let you in on a little secret: all these things have indeed happened to me, but perhaps not all on the same day!

    Aginoth: No, I’ve never heard of it, which suggests it isn’t sold over here. For the days when my hands are chapped by the weather, I used Vaseline (petroleum jelly), which we always have on had for baby butts. Yes, it’s thick and greasy, but NOTHING works like that stuff!

    MrsA: You’ll start using the stuff when your skin gets uncomfortable. I was pretty close to 40 before I bothered.

    The shower attachment is a good idea. Once in a while I will do this, but as it involves bringing at least three kids upstairs to watch, as they can’t be left alone that long downstairs, it has to be a SERIOUSLY huge mess. None of these were – by my standards!!

    I have a spray bottle: 1 T chlorine bleach in 1 l of water. Spritz it on, wait, wipe it off. Good for quick disinfecting. I use the sink when I’m disinfecting groups of toys, which I do in rotation.

    Heather: Deep spiritual connection, huh? Well, snot, shit, blood and vomit are very earthy, I’ll grant you that. LOL

    Moisturizer? Jergens extra-heavy-duty, which, on particularly needy days, I enhance by adding just a smidge of vaseline first. But if you have a suggestion, I’m open!

    Andie: Thanks! Aveeno, huh? I’ve only ever used their oatmeal bath for various mystery rashes you encounter with kids. Works like a charm to ease itching, at least for a bit. Maybe I’ll try that brand next!

    Speaking as a daycare provider: the worship is greatly appreciated. So is a nice Christmas bonus… or a gift basket of Aveeno products!

    Misfit: Udder balm! Which up here I’ve seen marketed as “bag balm”. (LOL) What a great idea!

    In my private life, I am thoroughly done with babies. In my work life, I love ’em. I think it’s like being a grandparent: love them all day – then send them home to keep their parents awake all night!

    Simon: Why is it that all this baby stuff doesn’t faze me at all, but the thought of the very same things in adult size is utterly…ewww…

    Comment by Mary P. | December 16, 2005 | Reply

  10. I have a friend who sells Country Bunny products–they make a lotion BAR! Itis wonderful! It looks like a bar of soap but it’s lotion. The water actually beads on my hands the next time I go to wash them, though my hands aren’t greasy!

    Comment by LoryKC | December 16, 2005 | Reply

  11. I have recently discovered Cetaphil–It’s Aquafor’s equivalent, but it isn’t greasy and it absorbs. The four of us in our house suffer from severe dry skin on various parts of our body. Currently, my hands have been cracking and bleeding. The cetaphil is doing the trick!

    Comment by Misfit Hausfrau | December 16, 2005 | Reply

  12. Lory: Now that sounds like a novel and sensible product. I’ve never heard of it, though, so presumably it isn’t sold up here. If it were, it would have to go on the shelf where I hide my other “off limits to kids” toiletries, once safely protected by my “feminine hygiene products”, now moved to a higher shelf since we have teen girls – read, shameless scavengers – in the house.

    Hausfrau: Gracious! All these products I’ve never heard of! First Doublebase, then Country Bunny, and now Aquafor and Cetaphil. An embarrassment of riches, I tell you – though all, it seems, equally unattainable. I guess I stick with Vaseline, thick and greasy as it is!

    Comment by Mary P. | December 16, 2005 | Reply

  13. Whew! Good thing it’s Friday (even though it wasn’t when you wrote this post)!

    I recommend Curel. I think it’s better than Jergens, but no idea how it compares to Vaseline.

    Comment by Sharkey | December 16, 2005 | Reply

  14. Wow. That was quite an impressive cavalcade of bodily fluids. I wanted to wash my hands after just reading it (and moisterize).

    Comment by L. | December 16, 2005 | Reply

  15. jhon travolta
    robbie william?

    Comment by ANDRES | June 6, 2008 | Reply


    Comment by ANDRES | June 6, 2008 | Reply

  17. BRITNEY SPEARS? No, MA.JOSE!!!!!!!

    Comment by ANDRES | June 6, 2008 | Reply


    Comment by SAID | June 6, 2008 | Reply

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