It’s Not All Mary Poppins

Awaiting my order

I was not born with three arms. Contrary to the children’s beliefs, I do not have an extra eye in the back of my head, either, though I am content to let them continue in this misapprehension.

Given my calling in life, these lacks are clearly an oversight on someone’s part, but I do my best despite my handicaps.

In truth, I don’t really need eyes in the back of my head: my ears do just fine.

That sudden silence?
The desperate stillness?
That intake of breath before the wail?
All bad. Well, that latter may or may not be bad. The longer the intake, the worse the wail. Which may or may not be proportional to the level of injury. If no wail follows the bump and the intake, this is very, very bad.

I can usually determine if the resulting injury will be mild, moderate, or severe by the quality of the “thud” that preceded it.

A happy murmur, a steady roar, the bam-bam-bam of trotting feet?
All good. Loud, but good.

So. Eyes in the back of my head? Can’t argue they’d be useful, but I get by without them.

That third arm, though? Just think how much easier it would be to change a diaper while leading the crew in a rousing round of “Three Little Monkeys”. I could probably zip two snowsuits simultaneously; I could certainly hand out snack to three children at the same time. I could write someone’s name on their craft while tying someone else’s shoe.

The list goes on and on and on.

It would have come in very, very handy useful about a half-hour ago, when I was on my way upstairs with a basket of clean laundry. Clean laundry, folded only that moment on the dining room table. Clean, folded, still a little warm from the dryer. Nigel leaps into my path. But I do not spill the basket. I merely sidestep and stop.

“I peed, Mary!”

He’s still fresh enough into the potty training that his output requires celebration. We peer into the pale yellow depths and we cheer and clap and hug. And then, since I’m going upstairs anyway, I may as well take the potty with me to tip in the toilet upstairs. Yes?

Sigh.

I will not burden you with the details. Let us just agree that it would have been very, very useful to have that that third hand right then.

I’ve put in my order. I’ll let you know when it arrives.

February 22, 2008 Posted by | daycare, eeewww, potty tales | 9 Comments