It’s Not All Mary Poppins

I’m pooped out. But hopeful.

Poop, poop, poop. It’s all about poop at Mary’s these days.

Despite earlier enthusiasm, Timmy seems to have no interest in toilet training at the moment, and Emily has never had any. So the status is two in diapers, two out, one in and out.

Anna, you see, is half there: she’ll poop in the potty, but has no idea about the pee. None. When the weather is a little warmer… like it was last week (26C/82F), like it will be next week, right after we’re done with the SNOW that’s forecast for tomorrow… when it’s a little warmer, I’ll just have the child go bare on the bottom for a day or two, see if the penny drops. Or, in the words of my gran, if she’ll spend that penny where it belongs…

And today? If there were fans here, there’d be shit everywhere. Good lord. Timmy spent the morning squeezing out the most malevolant teeny balls of malodorous atmospheric poison known to man. And sticky?!? Each one had to be scoured off his skinny butt.

I poured a half-cup of prune juice into him. Ten minutes later he had an enormous poop. E-nor-mous. Since it was far too soon to be the result of the prune juice, it seems I may have been precipitous. I now await further bowel mayhem with no little degree of consternation. Ugh.

Then Anna did one in the potty. Easier to clean up, no less odiferous.

“What did you guys eat all weekend?” I gasp through the fumes. “Good lord.”

Nigel has been told not to flush the toilet. His parents do not approve: they want the standards to be consistent, so he’ll remember to flush at home. Tough. With the number of toddlers in my home, soon to be out of diapers? Each of them producing a two-tablespoon pee every hour? And each of them flushing whatever our OLD toilet flushes? Probably an obscene amount of water.

Do I want to be responsible for flushing hundreds of excess gallons every week? No, I do not. It’s environmentally reprehensible. I doubt I could afford it, anyway.

Not that consistency has ever worked between his environments, anyway. He sleeps like a dream here; he rarely does there. He drinks gallons of water at home, and has to be encouraged to drink here. He eats all his veggies here; he’s very picky at home. The list goes on. So why they think that what he does or doesn’t do here would have any bearing on what happens at home is a mystery…

Besides, all they have to do is tell him firmly NOT to flush. He’s so contrary with them, the little bugger would be sure to flush conscientiously every.single.time if he thought they didn’t want him to.

So Nigel does NOT flush at Mary’s. I guess I’m a little contrary, too.

Anna awakes from her nap with a very large, very wet, very stinky poop. I think that brings the tally today up to nine. From two children. (Another good reason for the non-flush policy: because I do not accompany the tots on every single two-tablespoon trip up the stairs, I am not always immediately aware when something of substance has been produced. A quick glance in the bowl gives me all the info I need. And more.)

Today the junior brigade out-pooped the senior at a rate of … well, they produced infinitely more, since the olders produced nothing. (What did they eat all weekend?)

It is a bit raw out there: chill and damp. I am loathe to open windows. I am also loathe to subject anyone to the stench. Anyone walking through the door is going to be walloped with Eau de Porta-potty with their first breath. How embarrassing!

Then I consider: I’m so used to it, I can scarcely smell it any more. The next half-dozen people expected through that door are the parents. The progenitors of the producers of the noxious fumes. If they notice and are repelled, it will only serve to increase their gratitude for the services I render. “Thank God they got rid of all that shit at daycare!” Or it might make them feel guilty. (Guilty about poop? Weird, but it happens.)

Either way, it’s good for me. Appreciation, guilt? All equally promising. SOME parents, motivated by one or the other, have been known to surprise me with chocolates and flowers. Or gift certificates for spa treats.


I live in noisome hope.

April 28, 2008 - Posted by | eeewww, health and safety, potty tales


  1. Peeeewwww. Just one more reason I don’t envy you your job.

    As much as I love kids and have been known to wade in my fair share of toddler poop (they were all in some way related to me), I could never do it for a living.

    A spa treatment is the least of what you deserve.

    It’s not one of my favourite parts of the job, that’s for sure, but I’m sure every job has its shitty aspects. (Couldn’t resist…)

    Comment by Zayna | April 28, 2008 | Reply

  2. You are a very brave woman. 🙂

    I can relate to the toddler poop experience. Not pleasant and it finds its way out and on to things in the most interesting ways. I sometimes suspected my aunt of feeding my cousin Elmer’s Glue and ExLax – at the same time – given the awful things that came out of my otherwise adorable cousin.

    I’m sure she does not, because who suffers the most with the awful things? Your cousin must be sneaking the stuff when no one’s looking!

    Comment by rambleicious | April 28, 2008 | Reply

  3. I must say, I prefer it when pumpkinpie poops at home, too, because the teachers do not accompany her class into the bathroom, but stand outside the door counting heads and checking on hand-washing, and she is not known for her skills at wiping well. At home, I often still help out as needed, because she has had in the past some irritation from her blase wiping technique, not to mention some yucky undies contents. Blllleh.

    It doesn’t bother me where they do it, but I prefer that they keep it to once a day, each. Seems reasonable to me. If a child regularly produces what my grandfather used to call a “racing stripe”, they are instructed to call me for assistance. Right now, they all with with sufficient efficiency that this isn’t necessary. No yukky undies, no irritation. Yay.

    Comment by kittenpie | April 28, 2008 | Reply

  4. you are funny. best laugh i have had all day!!

    Thanks. Can I expect chocolates in the mail?

    Comment by gwendomama | April 28, 2008 | Reply

  5. Today must be a stinky day all around. My guy had a nasty stinker today.

    Comment by Andi S | April 28, 2008 | Reply

  6. I feel your pain. Or rather, my husband does. 😀

    Comment by Kat | April 28, 2008 | Reply

  7. I had a particularly poopish day as well. I have been unsuccessful in getting them to not flush though and I cringe at the thought of how much water we’re using.

    Comment by daycare girl | April 28, 2008 | Reply

  8. My son’s daycare lady changed more than her share of my son’s unbelievably stinky diapers yesterday. I honestly don’t know what caused it, but he was pungent and prolific. He started first thing when he woke up and he wasn’t finished until just before he went to bed. Where was he keeping all of it?!

    Comment by heels | April 29, 2008 | Reply

  9. Why were mine always three-a-day kids? They could out poop almost anyone. I still have a stain on the carpet as a reminder of the first formula-fed-constipation-inducing-poop. Memories….

    Comment by Jill in Atlanta | April 29, 2008 | Reply

  10. Anya is having luck with the poop in the potty part, but is still conpletely oblivious to the pee, too. I wonder if it’s a girl thing, because my friends’ boys were exactly opposite?

    Comment by ktjrdn | April 29, 2008 | Reply

  11. […] moment, and Emily has never had any. So the status is two in diapers, two out, one in and out. Anna, to prune roses […]

    Pingback by prune | May 3, 2008 | Reply

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