I’m just so productive, some days

It takes about 20 minutes of pre-kid preparation to get ready for a trip: water bottles filled, snacks prepared, various necessities gathered. It takes about 20 minutes of direct kid-work to get the lot of them out the front door: slippers off, shoes and hats on; sunscreen applied, if not done by parent; diapers changed, potty visited.

Then we all file out the door and sit on the porch while Mary packs the stroller, first with the snacks, toys, and etc., and then with the little ones. Then the big ones leave the porch and hang on to their assigned spots. That takes maybe five minutes, so total trip prep time is roughly 45 minutes.

And then…. we’re off!!

Unless, of course, Mary has forgotten her cell phone.

Then we get as far as the Cranky “Keep-your-pets-and-kids-off-my-husband’s-perfect-lawn” Lady’s house before we have to turn around.

Go back to Mary’s. Set BOTH locks on the stroller, bring the three big kids up to sit on the top porch, so Mary can bomb in, leaving the door latched open and hollering out the door to the kids,

“I’M JUST GRABBING MY CELL PHONE! YOU JUST SIT STILL, I’LL BE OUT IN TWO SECONDS!!”, and hollering this repeatedly, the entire 26 seconds I’m in the house, so even the most casual of passers-by can see that

“THESE KIDS ARE BEING SUPERVISED!! THEY HAVE NOT BEEN LEFT UNATTENDED ON THE STREET!!!”

And meantime, the dog, who I’ve opted to leave crated at home this time, is barking a deranged mixture of “THANK GOD YOU’RE BACK!!!, CAN I COME OUT NOW????” and “WHAT?!?! YOU’RE LEAVING AGAIN???” Her, I ignore. I hope the neighbours can do likewise.

And THEN… we’re off!!

Unless Mary has forgotten her camera, and how can she take the pictures that the parents so love to receive without her camera? Her camera, which she has forgotten every day for a week, so that there are parents going into Cute Withdrawal and starting to wonder if Mary is really worth those Big Bucks they pay her? (Kidding. But still. Value for money!)

And Mary makes the realization when she is, once more, directly in front of Cranky Keep-those-kids-and-pets”, etc., Lady’s immaculate lawn. And once again, we turn around and head back, and lock the stroller (twice) and set the big kids on the top step and latch the door open so that I can be heard bellowing from inside the house “JUST SIT THERE FOR A SECOND WHILE I QUICK GRAB MY CAMERA! DON’T YOU MOVE! I’M JUST COMING OUT WITH MY CAMERA!!”

Just in case, you know, there are any judgemental folk with nothing better to do than do someone else’s job for them in their own mind. And do it BETTER, of course. Because you never know where those people might be lurking.

And the dog is doing her deranged barking thing again, times TWO.

And THEN (finally, I hope!)… we’re off!!!!

Were it not for the fact that, right in front of you-know-who’s Perfect Lawn, Tyler has the mother of all loaded sneezes and manages to coat his chin and the back of the headrest of the seat in front of him in… yeah, bleah. And of course, Mary then discovers that the modest purse pack of tissue she’s packing is NOT up to the job.

Sigh.

For a while there this morning, it looked like the children’s outing was going to be repeated trips between Cranky Lady’s Perfect Lawn and my front porch, designed to do nothing more than drive Cranky Lady (I’m sure I saw the lace sheers twitching), and the dog, mental.

And me.

But! After round trip number three, we managed to get our shit together keep our snot contained get off my damned street!

And it only took seventy-three minutes…