It’s Not All Mary Poppins

Isn’t there an insurance for this?

My son Adam is six feet tall, slim, dark, handsome. He lives on his own now, and by all accounts (apart from tendon-revealing incidents with a katana), managing well. He cooks, he cleans (so he says), he goes to school, he pays his bills. He even walks.

It was not always so. Once, many years ago, wee Adam, then 15 months old and only just walking, decided he would walk to Mummy. Mummy, after all, looooooved it when baby Adam walked to her! So off he sets.

Unfortunately, Mummy was sitting on the couch at the time. The couch, baby Adam soon discovered, was not nearly as firm and supportive a walking surface as the floor. He teetered and he staggered a few wobbly steps, before tumbling forward, his short arms reaching towards their goal — Mummy.

His short arms, tipped by pudgy fingers. His fingers which, though pudgy, managed to slip RIGHT UP MUMMY’S NOSE. One small finger in each nostril. The boy was aiming for brain, and, Ye GODS, it hurt. The tears, they streamed down Mummy’s face… which was a little confusing since Mummy was also laughing.

Some things are just too ridiculous to be taken seriously, you know? Even when they hurt.

It could have been worse, though. A woman I know had a lively two-year-old who broke her nose. Yup. She was reading a bedtime story to him, and so great was his delight at a particuarly gripping bit of Bob the Builder that he flung himself backward against his mother’s body — the back of his rock-hard head making bone-breaking contact with her nose.

Ouch.

This sort of thing, perhaps not as drastically, happens every day. Becky’s son unwittingly inspired this post by recently plugging his mother with a hot wheels car, right in the face. Those things are hard.

Ouch.

I note that all my stories are of boys. I’m SURE there are equally lethal little girls out there. Hey… Let’s hear them! Have you been injured by your loving offspring, male or female? Any tales from the front you care to share?

Come out, wounded parents, and tell me your stories!

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November 18, 2009 - Posted by | health and safety, my kids, random and odd | ,

22 Comments »

  1. A boy is the culprit here, too!

    When I was pregnant with my second child, I had a desperate craving for Arthur Treacher’s Fish and Chips. The only place to find it was in a shopping mall food court, which was always a challenge with my lively two-year-old son. So my mother came with us.

    As I held him on my hip and reached for a plastic fork, he swooped down and grabbed one. He then waved it around in triumph, and stabbed me in the eye!

    I fell to the floor with my eyes shut tightly in pain, holding the squirming little dynamo so he couldn’t run off. My poor mother, buying something at another outlet, saw us on the floor and screamed! We caused quite a commotion that lunchtime.

    I was determined to eat the fish and chips, though, with tears streaming down my face! And then I went to the eye doctor, who said I had a scratched cornea. Luckily, such scratches heal in a few days.

    Comment by Meg | November 18, 2009 | Reply

  2. leaned in to give son a kiss in the car and he head butted me right in the front two teeth! they’ll need replacing!

    Comment by Dana | November 18, 2009 | Reply

  3. Pumpkin once, when she was probably 1 1/2, was waving a laminated menu around while sitting on her daddy’s lap. She managed to catch him in the eye, scratching his cornea, UNDER HIS GLASSES. Yeah, quite the aim with that sharp little plastic corner.

    Comment by Ms. Huis Herself | November 18, 2009 | Reply

  4. I, too, had my nose cracked by a particularly over-zealous child. My daughter was on my lap and flung her tiny, rock-hard skull backwards, instantly connecting with my delicate nose! Much pain ensued.

    I have no idea how both of my kids managed to learn so many swear words…

    Comment by tuesy | November 18, 2009 | Reply

  5. I can’t even tell you how many times my son, now 4, has accidentally head butted me in the nose but I’m sure it’s more than the number of times he’s accidentally racked his dad. Currently we are working on feet awareness. He is 4 ft tall and has no idea where his feet are in relation to other people.

    Comment by Rayne of Terror | November 18, 2009 | Reply

  6. My 2 1/2 year old daughter weighs one pound less than her 4 1/2 year old brother. She has never been petite, and charging in for a hug regularly knocks me over. It must be that low center of gravity….

    Only a matter of time before she inflicts more than the bruises I have already received.

    Comment by ClumberKim | November 18, 2009 | Reply

  7. My kids come to “snuggle”. This involves aiming elbows into the gut (at best) and the breast or groin (Daddy gets this too) the rest of the time. Putting all one’s weight on Mama’s neck is also a favorite.

    Comment by Jill in Atlanta | November 18, 2009 | Reply

  8. My daughter has clocked me in the face (with no major damage) repeated times, usually with board books.

    Both girls, however, love jumping onto Daddy’s lap. When he’s sitting. Knees first. Aiming for some “sensitive” regions. Poor Daddy ducks and covers every time he sees them running (what’s sad are the times he DOESN’T see them).

    Comment by Amy | November 18, 2009 | Reply

  9. Mine was actually a Barney VHS. It fell out of the closet and hit me in the eye. I’ve had a black eye for two weeks now! Barney packs a punch.

    Comment by Katie | November 18, 2009 | Reply

  10. My children knocked out my teeth. THREE times. I have two permanent bridges in front. Those hard little baby heads sometimes would catch me right on a false tooth and knock it right out. The first time it happened I was in Vietnam adopting my first, who was only about 6 weeks old at the time. I was alone in Hanoi at the time and I did not feel like trying to find a local dentist in Hanoi who could reattach a false tooth, so my dentist in Canada sent me a temporary bridge via FedEx.

    Comment by Dragon | November 18, 2009 | Reply

  11. Female, 15 months, corner of a “musical” board book, black eye.

    Comment by katkins | November 18, 2009 | Reply

  12. I’m a girl, and when I was little, my mom was trying to get me to take a nap. No luck in my own bed, so she brought me into her bed and got in with me, trying to get me to sleep. I finally settled down a bit, and she thought I was asleep, so she started to settle down with me- just in time for me to raise my head right into her face, breaking her nose.

    Comment by Kethrim | November 18, 2009 | Reply

  13. I can’t remember any specific incidents with my own kids (now 21 and 14) but I’ll never forget the time a girlfriend’s 18 month old grabbed my oh so attractive dangling earring and pulled with all her little might.

    Thankfully, the tyke managed to rip the earring out before she split my earlobe into two pieces. But holy crap, the pain was out of this world.

    Needless to say my friend was mortified and apologized profusely while I laughed and cried at the same time.

    Comment by Zayna | November 18, 2009 | Reply

  14. When my daughter Anna was 18 months old, she gave my husband a serious black eye with a sippy cup. We have pictures.

    Comment by lisa | November 18, 2009 | Reply

  15. Oh man. The memories.

    My oldest son pegged me with an old fashioned glass coke bottle when he was a toddler…whacked me so hard when he threw it that I have a permanent lump on my head.

    My daughter, at three, jumped straight up as I was bending over to help her step down a steep staircase. Her head connected with the bottom of my jaw, snapping my mouth shut and my head back so hard that I had whiplash and my gums turned black from bruising. It was gruesome.

    The third child, while nursing, ripped an earring through my earlobe.

    Kids…ouch.

    Comment by paige horst | November 18, 2009 | Reply

  16. Well, just this morning, 21-month-old son opened the kitchen cupboard door, with some force. The handle was just at the right height to catch Daddy in his most sensitive bits.

    And a slightly related story – not caused directly by a tot – but a friend was entertaining her little one by attaching the toy-with-suction-cup to her own forehead. Had to go to work the next day with a bright pink circle there, which was kind of hard to explain.

    Comment by Kate R | November 18, 2009 | Reply

  17. […] do it, too While it is now a proven fact that small children can and do cause grevious bodily harm to their loving parents, it is also true that they do it to each […]

    Pingback by They do it, too « It’s Not All Mary Poppins | November 19, 2009 | Reply

  18. Kind of my own fault, but I picked up my 4yo daughter who was sitting on a kitchen stool, her foot knocked over the stool and it landed squarely on my big toe – agonizing pain and a big black bruise – not broken, but it was sore for a full week.

    Comment by lynn | November 19, 2009 | Reply

  19. Husband got poked in the eye with a pen – that was sore for weeks. Seems to be a popular one, that.

    Comment by Mwa | November 19, 2009 | Reply

  20. I have bruises all over from being poked, elbowed, kneed and bumped by my daughter, who has apparently mistaken me for a jungle gym on more than one occasion.

    Comment by Kiera | November 19, 2009 | Reply

  21. I was laying on the floor playing cars with my son when my 6yo daughter thought it would be great to jump on my back…. so she started running from the kitchen and jumped feet first on my back. I couldn’t move for over 30 minutes and was in tears. And with my son being a little hopping frog I have had countless bloody noses!!!

    Another was when my son was standing behind my daughter and she didn’t know he was there, she moved her arms in excitement and she elbowed him in the face causing a black eye…he was only 1 at the time and his legs and knees were already bruised from falling down as he was adjusting to walking and trying to run. He looked like he was an abused child.

    Comment by Marie | November 20, 2009 | Reply

  22. My daughter tagged me right in the middle of the forehead with a Thomas the Tank Engine toy from about 6 feet away when she was around 1 year old. How I didn’t end up with a bruise, I don’t know–those little metal toys pack a wallop, and she sure could throw!

    She is also a big fan of the “attack hug”: a running start, the bigger the better, followed by a hug of epic proportions. Falling over backward with her in my lap is the only appropriate way to receive these hugs. These days, at four, she will actually give warning, request I move away from dressers and walls, and also give “attack gentle hugs”, which are hysterical. Daddy’s been working on the concept of gentle for three years, especially as she moved right in to head-butting height.

    Comment by Jackie | August 12, 2014 | Reply


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