Where all is revealed
I know you’re all waiting with bated breath for the denouement. But first, a brief recap:
I have as clients a couple who opted to sign on for less than a year initially. Then — major red flag — they didn’t sign the renewal contract in a timely fashion. Correction: they STILL haven’t signed.
Additionally, they pay month by month instead of post-dates, and then, most recently, I began to wonder if mom is pregnant. Far enough along to be visible under a bulky winter coat would mean she’d left it far longer to inform me than is standard. Far longer.
All of which adds up to enough unease that I decided to address it. It may mean nothing, but it may be significant. Either way I need to know, so I can a) relax or b) address and correct.
Okay. That brings us to yesterday evening, when I planned to ask mom my Question: “Is there a reason you haven’t signed the contract?”
Cue sinister music.
So there we are, she and me, in my front hall. She’s the last to arrive, so I don’t need to worry about being interrupted. She’s cheerful and chatting, as usual, and I’m waiting for a lull. When it happens, I pop out my prepared question.
She doesn’t even blink. She simply waves her hand down toward her belly and says,
“Well, it’s the baby.”
“It’s THE BABY?” WHAT FREAKIN’ BABY?? Iwasright, Iwasright, Iwasright, IwasrigthtIwasrightIwasright… dammit… “It’s the baby”, she says, as if I’ve been informed, as if I knew all along. Which I was NOT, and we both know it.
But we’re not done yet. Just wait till you hear what came next.
“Well, it’s the baby,” she says, “And we just haven’t figured out what we’re going to do!”
YOU haven’t figured out what YOU’RE going to do? As if this doesn’t concern me at all? As if this isn’t an issue of joint concern? As if — and you’d think sheerest self-interest would have brought them to this conclusion — informing me wouldn’t have made it easier for us all to come to a mutually satisfactory resolution?
You KNEW you were pregnant and DELIBERATELY avoided signing the contract because you were uncertain about your choices… and you DELIBERATELY chose not to inform me when I gave you the renewal contract back in December. The brazenness with which she blurts this out takes my breath away.
“We were going to tell you as soon as we’d figured out what we were going to do.”
Blink, blink. I think that’s supposed to reassure me, or something. Reassure me of what? That they haven’t behaved in a devious, dishonest way?
You know, after your baby is born you have (because this is Canada) a full year of maternity leave… during that year childcare is a luxury, a convenience. And you have a full year to sort out the details of the necessary childcare for two children. But — and this is something that has obviously completely and utterly escaped these people — after your baby is born, childcare is still MY FUCKING LIVELIHOOD.
I am astounded.
You know, maybe I’ve been lucky over the last FIFTEEN YEARS, but my clients have always, always seen this as a joint concern. After they tell their parents, they tell me. Because we want as much lead time as possible to work things out. Because there are possibilities and variables that concern ALL of us, and they know and respect that.
Because, frankly, it’s in everyone’s best interests. The more lead time we have, the more likely it is that we can come up with a solution that is satisfactory to everyone.
I am a low-key person. I do not rant and rave. I do not shout. I do not go off half-cocked and react impulsively. This serves me well in situations like this, because while internally I’m reacting with “WHAT?!?!? Are you out of your MINDS? Do you have ANY idea how SELFISH you’re being?”, externally my face is impassive. Because I need time to process this.
“We’ll give you your two months’ notice, of course.” Which is all they’re required by the contract, so one might say ‘fair enough’. In fact, given that we now have no contract, one might even say that’s more than fair… except that spots in this neighbourhood fill sixish months in advance. Often more. They signed their child five months in advance.
I manage to spit out the relevant question. “When’s the baby due?”
“June.”
June. She is five months pregnant, and had not yet told me. Five months. FIVE MONTHS! I did tell you that my clients have always, always told me about ten minutes after they inform the grandparents? I am used to finding out when mom is 12 weeks along. Five months.
We chat idly a moment or two longer, and mom and tot leave, smiliing and waving, with no idea of the turmoil they’ve caused. Which is a very good thing.
Five months pregnant with a baby they hadn’t told me about. A contract deliberately, consciously left unsigned. And no communication with me about it whatsoever. Because THEY hadn’t decided what THEY were going to do.
It could be that they didn’t bring me into the loop because they wanted their asses thoroughly covered first. But now, what they’ve guaranteed is that if it’s in my power, I will kick their asses to the curb. BEFORE they can give me notice.
It could be that they did this to preserve their sense of control. But now, what they’ve guaranteed is that I am going to do my utmost to take control.
“We haven’t decided what we’re going to do.”
Good lord.
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It's Not All Mary Poppins 
Wow. They really don’t get the whole parent-daycare provider relationship at all, do they? So sorry to hear that you were left out of the loop. Looks like it’s time to start interviews for your June opening!
No, they really, truly don’t. I’ve never experienced total oblivion such as theirs before, ever. And yes, interviews will commence forthwith!
I agree with tuesy- wow. When I got pregnant with Scoop, Ebaby’s caregivers knew about 4.6 seconds after my husband and mother.
Do you really want these people as clients? I’ve been reading you for a few years now and have never seen you this upset (justifiably). I guess I want to know if YOU’VE decided what YOU are going to do?
Oh, yes I have. I am going to do my utmost to fill that June vacancy as quickly as possible, so that I can give THEM notice. No, I don’t want them as clients any more. Anyone who is so totally unaware and disrespectful of me and my business is not someone I care to keep. At all.
Good luck Mary — I hope you fill your vacancy ASAP. Not to spite these selfish people, but so you can have the peace of mind you deserve.
Ah, you’re a nice man, Aaron. I am feeling just a smidge spiteful at the moment, motivated by the desire to do to them what they were evidently intending to do to me. A taste of their own medicine, as it were. But yes, in the long run peace of mind is better.
Talk about lack of respect. I hope you fill your slot quickly and the next parent/s are not disrespectful in that way. Burns my rump that people think that providing daycare for a child is just a hobby(?) and that we have some sort of huge magical cash flow that is not provided by the parents of the children we watch.
I have a husband that does bring home a paycheck but we depend on my income as well. I wonder if you could do a contract until June maybe. That way you would still be protected a smidge.
For a few years, I was a sole-support mom. Then for a few more, mine was the primary income. Now my husband and I make about the same. But yes, my income is more than just ‘pin money’, and no, this is not a hobby.
Okay, at the risk of sounding like a complete ass…I’m not sure I get it. I understand why you want the contract signed, of course; everyone loves some job security. But if they’d signed the contract without knowing for sure whether they will keep baby 1 in your care while on maternity leave, then you would be falsely reassured that the June spot is filled, when in fact they still might cancel it with the 2 months notice. On the other hand, their fear is that if you know they are unsure what they’ll do about Baby 1, you might go ahead and ‘fire’ them so you’ll be certain that your June spot is filled. I wouldn’t necessarily blame you for that since you’re making a living too, but I sure wouldn’t want to be in the position of trying to find child care at the last minute when spots fill up six months in advance. Of course, now they are in that position anyway, and obviously they would have been better off if they’d just told you they were mulling things over and why, but I can see why they were concerned about doing that. Okay, so if you think I’m an ass, I’m sorry, as normally I agree with you whole heartedly!
The critical piece of information you’re not taking into account is that maternity leaves here are a full year long. When they are considering what to do after the baby is born, they are not looking at mom being back to work (an inhuman) six weeks later.
What they are considering are issues like, “Do we keep our child in full-time for the first month after baby is born, or do we send them in part-time? Or maybe we want everyone home from the get-go.” Childcare for the return to work is, at this point, well over a year away. So even in an area where spots fill up six months in advance, they still have, as of right now, ten months’ lead time.
Thus, there was no need for the machinations you describe. And you know? I’d like to think that after working with me for as long as they have, they’d have taken my measure well enough to realize that I treat my clients with respect and consideration.
Mary, I’m going to ask you to consider something you may or may not have considered: is it possible that this is a ‘problem’ pregnancy and she hasn’t told you because she’s not entirely sure she’ll be able to carry to term? Or that the baby has a significant medical problem that means that there might be a need for very extended hospital care after birth?
Having now had two friends go through versions of this, your client’s reluctance to talk about it is sounding awfully familiar…..
It’s a possibility I had not considered, no. I would expect that, if it were a factor, she’d have told me last night, but perhaps not — and that reluctance to share critical information with someone who is critically involved is really the crux of the problem, isn’t it? But still, it’s a factor I hadn’t considered. All right. Wanting to be entirely fair, I will ask. And don’t worry: I’ll be nice. 😀
Even given the excuses/difficulties discussed above, I still think their silence is apalling.
Not sure what you’re going to do? Worried about your problem pregnancy?
TALK ABOUT IT.
You say “I need to talk to you.” Then you say “I’m 12 weeks pregnant. I have had some problem with my pregnancies in the past, so I don’t know if I’m going to be able to carry this to term. On top of that, I’m thinking that I might like to keep Kid 1 in daycare with you for a little while after the baby is born. But we’re not sure we can afford it. I know we’re due to sign the contract in December, but I’m sure you understand that our life is kind of up-in-the-air right now, and I hope you can be understanding of our situation. I’m sorry to throw so much uncertainty at you, but since we don’t know ourselves how this pregnancy will progress, I’m afraid we can’t be more definite at this time.”
WAS THAT SO HARD?
I mean, yes, people often don’t like to tell people that they are pregnant if they think they are at risk of miscarrying. But your childcare provider looks after your child. That makes her practically family. If you go through a difficult miscarriage, it might affect your toddler and so your childcare worker should probably be informed for that reason alone.
Some people were just raised to be selfish, and think of their own concerns first.
If I were you, I’d start looking for someone else to fill that spot. People like that will waver and waver, and eventually flake out on you. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but definitely someday, and hopefully for the rest of your life.
Thank you. Obviously, I feel the same way. Problems are not solved by shutting down and refusing to communicate. As I say to the toddlers all the time, “Use your words.”
I believe you’d be hard-pressed to find someone outside your immediate family who would care as much or be as involved in your difficult situation than the woman who shares the raising of your child.
If there is a traumatic pregnancy, or fear of traumatic delivery/post-partum, it will make me far more sympathetic to their plight and to their emotional state, and you can be sure I’ll be offering to do what I can to help out … but it will not make them any better risks as clients. Good clients communicate.
I have had things like this happen to me a LOT. People just blithely waltz in and out and give me no consideration WAY more often than I would like. Apparently I let them, because it keeps happening. I need to post this somewhere and memorize it so I can be more like you!! 🙂
If it keeps happening, then you’re right, it’s probably something you’re doing or not doing. Do you have a contract? (And do you get it signed promptly, unlike me??) Do you act like you consider yourself an expert, and their equal? It’s taken me a while to grow into that last role, and it helps that I’m older than almost all of them, quite a bit older in some cases.
Oh whew, I was reading to the end faintly worried you would try to work with them further.
No, while I try to be fair-minded and give people the benefit of the doubt (witness that I was still providing care with no signed contract!) they’ve proven themselves to be untrustworthy. I can’t work with that.
I thought about commenting earlier, but didn’t. I did share a worrisome pregnancy with our childcare provider. Indeed, not once but twice I put a baby on the waiting list who was never born. I had no choice because if you don’t get on that list basically a week or so after conception, you won’t get a spot at our daycare.
Taking the never-to-arrive baby off the list was hard. Brutally hard. Doing it twice was godawful. Thank God, our childcare provider had a lot of sympathy – her daughter had been through something similar.
I actually don’t think that’s what is going on here because the mother would have probably reacted differently when the pregnancy finally came to light. But people who go through a pregnancy loss – especially multiple losses – can get very, well, strange, about deciding whom they will share the information with. It can feel like you’re jinxing the pregnancy if you even look at baby clothes, let alone commit to some kind of childcare decision that presumes the arrival of a real live baby.
Like I said, I don’t think that’s what is going on here or the mom would be acting differently now. And, even if it is what is going on, it doesn’t change the fact that they are clients who don’t communicate. But I did want to respond to ifbyyes’s comment that yes, sometimes it IS actually hard to talk about it. Unbelievably hard. I choose to talk to our childcare provider, but I wouldn’t judge someone who made a different decision under those circumstances.
Thank you for commenting. I cannot imagine the pain of having to go through that, and then go through it again. I have had one client who lost her baby, at four and a half months. She thought she was safe. We cried together in my front hall, my arms around her shaking shoulders. Unbelievable pain.
Like you, I don’t truly believe that’s what’s happening here, but you can be sure I will try to confirm my assumption, and I will do it kindly, with an eye to the possibility that it really may be what’s going on. If it is, I will be as supportive as I’m able.
I had a problem pregnancy that resulted in boy being born 3 months early and then I had the extremely worrisome normal pregnancy. I told our daycare providers the day after the stick turned blue. I didn’t tell friends and family for several weeks afterward.
Not only did I want to ensure myself a spot but I wanted them to have a head count and prepare for my future child. Not to mention that they helped considerably in helping to prepare our son for the arrival of his sister.
I don’t see why it is so difficult to view your childcare provider as your Partner. If you don’t view it as such, you miss out on so much.
Never having dealt with a difficult pregnancy/delivery personally, I can’t speak out of personal experiences to the challenges that might provide. Both you and Sarah opted to share your situation with your caregiver, but Sarah notes how very difficult that can be.
As you say, however, your childcare provider is your partner, and can enrich and support your parenting to a significant degree… if both parties allow it.
Well, now you know.
I haven’t actually told my daughter’s creche of my pregnancy (still in the third month), but I won’t shorten the contract for my daughter at all, so they won’t be affected. (She’s going to school in September.)
I just haven’t told them because they don’t make time to talk to anyone or listen to anyone. And I’m pretty sure I’m going to find a different arrangement for my next baby.
I’m sure I would have told you, because a proper childminder would bother to speak to the children’s parents on occasion, and even build up a relationship.
(Is it obvious I have issues with that creche? Luckily Marie is happy there.)
In your situation, there is no need (beyond, as you note, relationship-building) to tell them of your pregnancy. They have a contract and they know when it expires, and your pregnancy won’t affect that one way or the other.
I’m sorry to hear you’ve been so dissatisfied with your daughter’s care (and happy to hear she’s enjoyed it!). Your desire for a relationship with your chidren’s caregiver is not unreasonable. You’re a determined woman: I’m sure you’ll find what you’re after!
Oh, and I do think you should go ahead and look for different clients – the kind you can trust more.
I wondered about the potential problem pregnancy, as my last two ended during the 5th month and I probably wouldn’t share news about a pregnancy now until a baby was being born. I understand the advice to talk about it, but not everybody works that way, and being forced to tell someone about a loss after everyone thinks you’re ‘safe’ well, it’s tough, to say the least. Anyway, I assumed not an issue or she wouldn’t have mentioned the pregnancy offhandedly the way she did.
I understand how Canadian maternity leave works — so much better! However, it sounded to me like they were mulling over keeping baby 1 in your care for longer than the first month after baby 2 was born (for most or all of the maternity leave). Now it sounds like you are saying it’s a foregone conclusion that baby 1 will be home during most of the maternity leave, with the only question being whether they are going to cancel your contract in 4 months (when baby 2 is born) or 5 months (when baby 2 is one month). Is that what you’re saying? Anyway, I’m glad you found the info you needed to prevent any problems for yourself. I’m sorry that you felt disrespected; that’s never fun.
You make me realize I have no idea what options they’re mulling over… How can I? They haven’t told me. I’m making assumptions based on prior experience, but prior experience would also have had them telling me at 10 or 12 weeks, and working out something mutually satisfactory together.
It seems, at the very least, presumptuous to unilaterally make decisions that affect someone else’s livelihood. What’s at stake for each of us? For her, it’s merely convenience. For me, it’s my livelihood.
With a year’s maternity leave, childcare (or, at worse, lack of it for a few months) will not affect her income or job prospects — whereas it will have a real and immediate affect on mine.
Given the flexibility and preparation time that the year affords, and the resultant very minimal risk of a bad outcome for them, I really can see no reason they couldn’t have treated me as a partner in this endeavour.
Just so you know, around here two weeks notice is usually the standard and hardly anybody signs long term contracts. However, you usually pay an enrollment fee, and the first and last week in advance. Some of the big centers charge monthly but weekly is the norm. If a slot is empty and you want it for your baby you are expected to pay something to keep it open, or take a chance that something else will open when you are ready.
Contract stipulations vary so much from one area to the next! My sister has provided care in the past, and in her small village, what you describe is what she experienced. In my city, what I describe is the norm. (For which I am exceedingly grateful.) 🙂
I had similar experiences as a piano teacher. I had a contract. They committed to a specific number of months as students. They still paid if the child missed a lesson, though I provided a make-up time if the child was ill and they had to pay out the end of the contract even if they just decided to quit.
I still had parents not show up for two lessons and then call and say, “We just decided that it’s too much for little jimmy right now, he won’t be coming back.”
They were SO SHOCKED when I responded by saying, “That’s fine then, I’ll just send you a bill for the outstanding balance on the contract. I expect it all at once since I won’t be seeing you again.”
Duh, this is my job, you signed a contract, you can’t just quit and expect me to say, “Oh that’s alright, I understand.”
Yes, find a new client, and fast, the flaky ones will never stop being flaky, it’s just a matter of time before they leave you in the lurch.
You can’t just quit? But whyever not? Little jimmy was finding it so difficult!!
I agree. These people are unreliable. With such a huge gap in our understanding of the caregiver-client relationship, I don’t see how we could ever work together satisfactorally. Let the interviews commence!
I can understand how a sudden departure can have a major impact on your income, and that it must be distressing to deal with the uncertainty.
But if 2 months is not long enough notice for you to find a replacement, why don’t you impose a longer period in your contract? From the parents point of view, I think the fact that this has been specified in the contract would indicate that you consider this reasonable notice.
It would be helpful for you to receive as much notice as possible, but given their uncertainty, I’m not sure why you see it as such disrespect if they chose to give the minimum (and apparently, to them, reasonable) time specified?
Of course i realise in this case that have not even signed the new contract. Surely if you are now operating without a current contract, this gives you scope to go searching for a replacement with no requirement to give any notice to them at all?
All your points are perfectly valid. According to the letter of the law, they have done nothing untoward, and now, without a signed contract their risk is as great as mine.
However, though the issue of sufficient notice is a real one, the point that has upset me so is their complete oblivion to the caregiver-client relationship. What they are doing is, in effect, making a unilateral decision about a joint relationship. That’s the crux of the matter for me. And yes, they can do this legally and technically. That does not make it right, considerate, or respectful.
And while yes, I could now toss them with no notice at all, I won’t. Because, being without a contract I could do it, legally and technically… it wouldn’t be right, considerate, or respectful. And, angry though I may be, I am not the type who treats others that way.
My point is not so much that what they are doing is legally and technically justifiable, but also that it does not necessarily indicate disrespect on their behalf. Thoughtlessness yes. But I am putting myself in the shoes of these parents, who are very preoccupied with their own concerns. In that position, perhaps they have not fully thought through the consequences for you. I think it’s more likely that they have, without giving it direct thought, assumed that the 2 months would be adequate for you, rather than thinking “oh scr*w Mary. As long as we are covered legally, we don’t have to think of her”.
They don’t understand your business and have no clue about the difficulties you may have finding a replacement. How they supposed to guess? If 2 months is not adequate for you you may need to explain that to them, (and perhaps rethink the time period specified in you contract).
It seems we are not so far apart in our read of the situation, except whereas you feel that thoughtlessness, a preoccupation with their own concerns and a blithe unawareness of how this will affect me are excusable in the circumstances, and I don’t. I think you could be quite right: no disrespect was intended. But does an action have to be intentional before it counts? They have, by their actions, negated my presence in this equation altogether… and that, whether intentional or not, is disrespectful. At the very least, it’s certainly not respectful.
And again, yes, I could consider changing the notice required (though I suspect anything more than two months wouldn’t fly, anyway)… but my driving point is not the amount of notice I received, but rather their total lack of communication with me — the other person with an equally vested interest in the situation.
Bottom line, for me. Whether intentionally disrespectful or not, a couple who needs to be told that they should communicate with their caregiver about the logistics of a maternity leave and subsequent options available to them — options which I can quite possibly provide — have no idea of an appropriate caregiver-client relationship, and are thus not clients I care to keep. And let’s note that in 15 or so years of providing childcare, this is the very first time this issue has arisen. I don’t think my expectations are unreasonable.
aw, this is not very nice of them. Best of luck for your search Mary, and hope you get an adorable family!
Me, too! I’ve had a few calls in the last month, and turned them away. I will see if I can dredge up those numbers as a place to start my hunt.
Whatever the family’s reasons are for not telling you, the fact remains that they haven’t told you. They care about their own concerns without regard for yours.
I hope you find a family with regard for your concerns very quickly.
“They care about their own concerns without regard for yours.” That is my issue, in a nutshell. It’s as if I’m irrelevant to my own business, which is a bizarre perspective.
As I said, I’ve turned two or three people away this month, so I’ll call them back and start my hunt with them. Last time a space came vacant suddenly, it took me five months to fill. Here’s hoping this time is different!
Ok, I am going to strip the situation to the bare essentials: you were a contractor who was told by one of your clients that they may or may not terminate your work with them, but that you will be given two months notice.
You find it difficult to find other employers in such short notice.
What you should do now, is to to consider this heads up as ample warning ( especially that you had to ask them about it – what were they thinking? I could imagine mom being all hormonal, but what about the dad?) and start looking.
And once you find another suitable employer, you give *them* two months notice.
And given a choice, no matter how much you love the work contracted out to you, do not go back to them as employers. The problem here is that they do not consider your job as your job, but more as a hobby, which you do to pass time.
( See? How much more easier when you remove the human factor from it! This is why you need evil hr minions as your blog readers.)
What you have suggested is exactly what I had decided to do. (With the modification that if I feel the space more than two months in advance, then they will get more than two months’ notice. Because I’m nice that way.) I indulged myself in some highly satisfactory emotional release on the blog, but my brain remains pretty analytical. Nice to know that an evil hr minion — i.e. a professional in these matters — agrees with my decision. Thanks!
Sounds like either they were very caught up in their own issues and might be the personality types who just dont even consider other people (my sisters face keeping popping into my mind…) or they thought your were such a popular childminder that you would have no problems filling the vacancy!
Its times like these you remember not everyone is as thoughful and considerate as us!
Such paragons of all things kindly that we are. 😀
I understand your point, and of course I agree.
But I just have this one tiny question. You know how the 20th week scan (or at least in UK) is the one revealing any problem with the baby. Well, say a couple tells you at 12 weeks (which I think is the norm to wait before you tell the news), the Mom is goign to be staying home for a year, so she wont need your services once she’s on maternty leave. You find a new candidate, fill the spot from the day she tells you she won’t need the day care anymore, then at 20 weeks or later on somehtign goes wrong, and she’s no longer pregnant. Will you keep her child in the daycare, or will she have to vacate the space you already gave to someone else? I know this is such a rare scenario, but I was just wondering.
Oh, goodness. You’re right, it’s an unlikely scenario, but it seems evident to me that I would retain the couple with whom I already had a relationship. I’d give my apologies to the new couple, and return their deposit fee, of course, explaining the situation and trusting that compassion (and perhaps respect for my loyalty to a client) would encourage them to be gracious.